Turf Wars

The battle of Wounded Knee. The war of Jenkins' Ear. Rome v Carthage in the title decider of the Mediterranean league (Empire Division - season 217-216 BC). All these are major conflicts that affected the course of world history. All brought forth both the most noble and the most disreputable shades of human conduct. And all had a curious connection with vegetables. So they all share at least one thing in common with the slight disagreement between the formidable Amber & Black army and the massed ranks of the Whitehill Allotment Society (commanded by the veteran Ronnie Potter), backed up by the forces of 'democracy' at Cambridge City Council.

Revisit, if you will, the dark days of Summer 1999 when the road to the new Abbey was strewn with what seemed to be every sabotage known to man, including the rarely seen exploding dog turd. Perhaps the fine details of why the exact cost of refurbishing a particular shed or rehousing a homeless stoat were more important than the redevelopment of the Abbey and hence the survival of the U's are best forgotten. Unless of course you were one of those resisting the bloated corporate battle tank, crushing all in its path on the way to even more
obscene profits, that is today's CUFC. But what does deserve to be
remembered is one of the greatest outbreaks of wit and inventiveness of recent seasons, as expressed on both the old 'U's Net' message board and the terraces of the Abbey. Wit that reworked virtually every standard chant and song in the amber book to produce these formidable strikes, as well as many now sadly lost:

The enigmatic "John Ryan for Manager" started it all off on the morning of Tuesday June 29th 1999 by asking: Are the allotments the new enemy as they're trying to stop the ground development? If so, can we have some appropriate chants?
Like:
You're not mulching any more
or
In your allotment slums,
You look in the compost for something to eat
Find a prize carrot and think its a treat
In your allotment slums.

"Stevie Spriggs" responded:
Sing when you're digging
You only sing when your digging
and
Where's your carrots gone?
Where's your carrots gone?

And so it continued:

From "Alan Biley's Mullett":
Cheer up Farmer Giles
Oh what can it mean
To grow a sad failed marrow
And a manky runner bean
and
You're going home in a Cambridge wheelbarrow

From "Stevie Spriggs" (again):
One hoe, you've only got one hoe

From "Gus Caesar":
Marrows ! Marrows! Marrows! Marrows!
and
You're not gardening any more.
and the classic
Come and avocado if you think you're gardeners!

From "Malcolm Webster's Beer Gut":
You're gonna get your potting sheds kicked in

From "Alan Biley's Mullett" (again):
Oh me ladsyou should have seen their faces
walking down Newmarket Road
to see the Cambridge potatoes

From "Mangetout":
Who the forking kale are you?

From "Celtic Moose":
It's a grand old plot to dig up
It's a grand old plot to seed
And if you know your botany
It's enough make your plants grow oh oh oh oh oh

For balance, from "Ibrox Moose":
Marrow!
Marrow!
We are the allotment boys!
Marrow!
Marrow!
You'll know us by our veg!
We're up to our knees in best manure,
Else our prize carrots would die
Coz we are the Cambridge allotment boys

And from those who are currently unidentified:

My old man said be an allotment fan
I said fork-turf-carrots, you're a bulb.

It's big
It's round
I grow it in the ground
My mar-row
My mar-row.

It's tall
It's thick
I grow it on a stick
Runner bean
Runner bean

We are sprouts, we are sprouts
No one likes us
We don't care!

We're growing up as flaming champignons.

We are the champignons!
We are the champignons!

We are the spuds, we are the spuds
We are, we are, we are the spuds!

He grew onions
He grew sprouts
He grew berries in the grass
But the crop didn't last 'cos the 'dozers came too fast.

Ronnie Potter's magic
He wears a magic hat
But when he saw the 'dozers
They 'dozed his allotment flat

Walk on
Walk on
With your spade
In your hand
And you'll never dig again
You'll neeeeeeeever dig again

And so our thanks must go out to the brave troops who were always ready with a laugh and a joke in the face of adversity, and especially to the late Alan Sturla Sverrisson, who conjured up some of the most memorable of them. Our thanks also to Andrea at www.cambridgeunited.net for providing the medium on which these immortal lines were originally published. Just in case you still care, the vegetable connections mentioned at the beginning are that the Wounded Knee in question was caused by a carelessly discarded artichoke, Jenkins Ear was the one cut off by an irate greengrocer following the shoplifting of 2 pounds of asparagus and Rome v Carthage was all about VAT on aubergines.